Why Your Email Sequences Totally Suck
A Guide to Fix Your Crappy Email Marketing
Congratulations! You've just put together your umpteenth email sequence, and you're so proud of it.
But guess what? It's bloody dreadful.
Don't worry, though. You're not alone in this ocean of crappy email marketing.
Lucky for you, I'm here to let you in on the secret why your email sequences are about as appealing as soggy toast, and how to fix them.
So, grab a cuppa and let's dive in.
Your Subject Lines Are As Exciting As Watching Paint Dry
You know what's really fun? Clicking on emails with subject lines like "April Newsletter" or "Company Update".
Said no one, ever.
The truth is, your subscribers have the attention span of a goldfish. If your subject lines are as bland as the Great British weather, your open rates will nosedive faster than a lead balloon. Show some personality, and your subscribers will be more likely to click. But please, for the love of crumpets, avoid clickbait.
The Fix: Spice up your subject lines like you're Jamie Oliver on a mission. Make them catchy, intriguing, and even a little cheeky.
They Look Like They’re Written By A Goddamn Robot
"Dear Valued Customer" – what a warm, fuzzy way to start an email. Not. If you want your subscribers to engage with your content, you need to stop writing like a malfunctioning AI.
No one enjoys reading robotic, lifeless text. So, unless you're actually a robot (which would be kind of cool), put some soul into your writing. Pretend you're having a chat down the pub with your mates – only, you know, without the pints.
The Fix: Write like you talk, mate. It's as simple as that. Be conversational, inject humour, and use contractions (you're welcome).
Your Content Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot On A Hot Day
Here's a thought. Maybe, just maybe, your subscribers want to receive something of value in their inbox.
I know, it's a pretty revolutionary idea. But sending them a never-ending stream of self-promotional drivel? That's a one-way ticket to Unsubscribe Town. Put yourself in their shoes and ask, "Would I actually care about this?" If the answer is no, then it's back to the drawing board.
The Fix: Share genuinely helpful tips, insights, or resources. Give them something they can use, for Pete's sake.
You're As Consistent As British Weather
One day, you're bombarding your subscribers with a daily email, and the next, they don't hear from you for weeks.
Great job confusing the hell out of them. Consistency might not be the sexiest topic, but it's crucial if you want to build trust and keep your subscribers engaged.
Be as reliable as the Queen's Guard, and your subscribers will know what to expect and when.
The Fix: Choose a schedule and stick to it, whether it's weekly, fortnightly, or monthly.
You're Trying to Sell Ice to Eskimos
We get it – you're in business to make money. But constantly pushing your products or services on your subscribers like a dodgy door-to-door salesman?
That's just pants. No one likes a pushy salesperson, and it's a sure-fire way to annoy your subscribers.
When your subscribers trust you and see you as an authority, they'll be more likely to buy from you – without you having to shove your sales pitch down their throats.
The Fix: Adopt a more subtle approach. Focus on providing value, solving problems, and building relationships.
Your CTAs Are Weaker Than a Cup of Dirty Dishwater
So, you've got your subscribers to read your email – well done, you! But then, you throw in a weak call-to-action (CTA) that's about as compelling as a soggy biscuit.
The result? Your subscribers shrug their shoulders and move on, leaving you wondering why your email marketing isn't delivering the goods. Just don't overdo it – no one likes being screamed at by a desperate email marketer.
The Fix: Make your CTA clear, strong, and impossible to ignore. Be specific about what you want your subscribers to do, and don't be afraid to add a sense of urgency.
Your Emails Are Longer Than a Chapter of War and Peace
You might think you're the next Shakespeare, but let's face it: no one wants to read an email that's longer than the Magna Carta.
Your subscribers are busy people, and if you can't get to the point quickly, they'll hit "delete faster than you can say "TL;DR." But please, for the love of all things holy, use a font size that doesn't require a god damn magnifying glass.
The Fix: Keep your emails short, sweet, and to the point. Break up your text with headings, bullet points, and short paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes.
You're Not Tracking Your Results
Ah, the classic "spray and pray" approach to email marketing. You send out your emails, cross your fingers, and hope for the best – without actually bothering to track your results.
How's that working out for you?
You should be testing different elements – subject lines, content, CTAs – to see what works best. It's called data-driven marketing, darling, and it's the key to turning your email sequences from "meh" to marvellous.
The Fix: Use analytics tools to monitor your open rates, click-through rates, and conversions.
Now, go forth and create email campaigns that are as delightful as a proper cup of tea. Or, you know, keep sending your subscribers to the land of snooze.
